7th Jun 2008
My latest painting :
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7th Jun 2008
My new tattoos…….
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5th Mar 2008
Here is a pic of the altar shelf Keith and I built. I wanted something really well built and customized to fit a specific spot in my house so I figured to get it just the way I wanted it (and for a reasonable price) we had to build it ourselves. Keith was a bit skeptical that we’d be able to do it - but as we got into it, he was really really enjoying it and he is way more capable than he realized. We had so much fun making it and it is infused with our love and is now a totally personal, meaningful, powerful creation that I am extremely proud of. :-)
P.S. Rob, you are the only one who will get this reference - but I finally completed one of Tobias’ homework assignments - before he even assigned it. I kick ass. LOL
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3rd Mar 2008
I realize that I still hold most people at a distance. I want them to see me, but I don’t want them to get too close. I don’t want to open up too much. I don’t want them to know how fragile I am inside, how the smallest thing can sometimes set me off and I’m struggling for my sanity against this undescribable void of despair that wants to suck me in. I try to stay above it. Above the feelings, above the reality of my feelings of loss and grief, of shame and fear – because as soon as that void has it’s hooks in me, it pulls me down fast. So instead, I keep things at a safe distance, even though it feels numb there, like I’m not really living at all sometimes. Like I’m just going through the motions. I want so much to feel joy again. I want so much to laugh until my stomach hurts. I want to dance around like a goofy kid. I want to say stupid funny things that only I (and a very select few) get and not care if I’m the only one laughing. Time to emerge from the shadow, stop playing small, follow my bliss and let myself bloom. And ignore that voice in my head that tells me that what I want to do isn’t what I should be doing – that what I do needs to have purpose and meaning beyond just “because it feels good”. It has to be leading somewhere. That voice is subtle, and cruel, and a liar. It tells me there is something else that I need to be besides what I already am. And that is the biggest lie ever. I am all I need to be NOW. If I need to be something else then I’ll be it – and it will happen not because I forced it and pushed it and convinced others that I am it – but because through the natural course of my life, I bloom into it as easily as my heart beats. I’m tired of thinking that I’m not good enough. Good enough for what exactly? For what? I want to take this image I have in my head, of this grandiose being I am “supposed” to be and throw it out the window – because my human self feels always like she can’t measure up to it – and when she starts to get down on herself, everything stops. Everything comes to a crashing halt. Her throat closes up, her heart becomes a rock, she wants to turn away, hide in her shell, and tell everyone to leave her the fuck alone. That’s not really what she wants, but it’s the easiest way to escape the disappointment she feels that others must have when she’s not being the person they have come to believe she is. What if she isn’t any of those things? Could she still love herself? Could she still feel her own worth? What if she let all that go and embraced the life of an ordinary person. How long has it been since she was satisfied with being ordinary? How peaceful it would be to not live under this constant pressure of having to fulfill some imagined role. I want to just be a normal person. I want to know nothing and just BE. Someone asks me “hey what are you about” and I could just say “I don’t know – I’m just doing what makes me feel joyful” – with no definition or agenda or plan. I want that. I want that so much. I never want to think again about my future, or who I am becoming. It takes too much of the focus off of who I am now. Who am I now? I am the beloved wife of a man who devotes himself entirely to me and the mother of three spirited kids who look to me as if I am the Goddess herself. And I know, even with all my flaws, I am loved. I know that when I’m not around, they feel my absence and want to feel my warmth. I spend so much damn time in my head, though – thinking about all the things I “need” to do, that I forget to BE with them, and it pisses me off. I feel angry. I feel angry that I make things so hard for myself when it can be so easy. So easy.
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3rd Mar 2008
Wednesday the 20th - Day of the Full Moon / Lunar Eclipse
Keith and I spent that day putting on the finishing touches to the altar shelf we’d built. We went to the Mystery Gallery to get candles and some crystals for it and when we got home, I put on some music and put it all together. The eclipse was going to start around 6PM or so. Kimby called and asked if she could come over and hang out with me to watch it. At first I said no. I was planning on making this a personal ritual. But a few minutes after I hung up, I had a feeling that it would be good to have her there. I remember the last time I watched the eclipse in August. I was all alone. It was the middle of the night and nobody was around. The whole thing was very somber and dark. Things are different this time. The eclipse is happening earlier in the evening and everyone is around. It feels more communal, connected. I don’t feel alone with life all around me. Plus, I’ve been wanting to bring my joy back and who better to help me do that than the one person who makes me laugh more than anyone else? So I called her back and told her to come.
She got there just as the moon was rising over the horizon, already partially eclipsed. One of the things I love so much about living on the East side now is the moonrise is spectacular. It starts out all low and big on the horizon. When I lived on the West side, I couldn’t see the moon until it was already high in the sky and had lost that gorgeous orange color. Kimby, Keith, the kids, and I walked down to the end of our street to see it. The kids were asking lots of questions about why this was happening. Some of my neighbors were out on the street and people were walking by. Everything felt very electric and excited. After awhile, we walked back to the house and Kimby and I did some tarot readings. Every 10 minutes or so we would go outside to see how far the eclipse had progressed. Once it was fully eclipsed, I went to stand outside. My intent this time was to watch the entire transition from fully dark, back to fully light – to complete the process that I started six months ago.
As I stood outside in my back yard and looked up at the red moon, I realized something. The dream I had two weeks prior to the last eclipse in August (the dream that told me I needed to go outside and watch the eclipse) was actually a dream about this night. In the dream, I was looking up at the red moon as it hovered over the house (like now). When I watched the eclipse in August, the moon wasn’t totally eclipsed until much later, so I was looking towards the opposite direction, away from the house. This just further validated my feeling that this eclipse marked the completion of something – coming full circle.
At one point, as I swayed to the music and felt my energy rise up to meet the moon, I was hit with another realization. That night in September, during my episode when my Grandma came over to give me the drug test…I was in the bathroom and I kept feeling like there was something going on outside in my backyard. I kept feeling like there were people out there and they wanted me to come out. I felt like it was a ceremony for me to celebrate my initiation. But at the time, I was too scared to go out there. I didn’t understand what was going on. I thought I was dying. I thought that if I went out there, it would be the last thing I did. I would have to leave my family and I didn’t want to do that.
But now, as I stood outside in my yard, looking up at the moon, looking at the silhouettes of the treetops, with my cats running around crazily, it all came together and made sense. I am in both places at once. I look at the bathroom window with the light on and know, that I’m in there right now. And that night when I was scared, I was also outside enjoying my celebration. All the people I felt outside are here, in this moment, circled around me. They’ve been waiting for me. I was aware of all kinds of beings - some large, some small – faeries, wind spirits, angels, spirit guides, spirit animals, my soul family from the other side – they were all there with me. I got scared for a moment, when I first began to feel them all there at once. It was a little overwhelming. But I just kept breathing and looking at the moon and felt I was safe. I started to let go and dance - my energy rising.
The moon was talking to me, telling me that my journey over the last six months has been like that of Persephone’s in the Underworld. As soon as this realization came to me, I got the chills, it was so right on. I had literally “gone under” during the last eclipse, had slipped into a crack in space/time and been partially stuck since. And now, I was emerging as the moon returned to full. I had to go through this dark period to be transformed, to face my demons, to move through fear, to struggle and survive. I remember parts of my episode when I literally felt like I was in hell. I felt like the woman in the movie “What Dreams May Come” – at the end, when she has commited suicide and she is stuck in that dark place that seems like the reality she’s known, but it isn’t. And her husband comes there to bring her out of it, but he realizes that the only way to bring her out of it is to go into it with her and risk being lost himself. This is exactly what Keith and I went through – and he started coming out of it first (at the New Year) and has been helping me come out of it since then.
The whole time I stood out there and watched, the music matched everything that was going on. This is significant because I chose the songs and just randomized them on the CD. Yet, just as Kimby came out, the song that started played was a high energy Celtic song and we started dancing around like goofballs, laughing. I laughed and felt this huge mass of black gooey stuck energy in my chest start to break up into little tiny pieces and float away. And then the song “Back to the Earth” (Rusted Root) came on just as the last lip of darkness receded. This was followed by “Hallelujah” (Rufus Wainwright) once it was all the way back to full. This was the last song on the album, just as the ritual was complete. I started laughing and crying at the same time.
I was still looking up, my eyes filled with moonlight, and I heard HER voice so clearly. She told me that all I need for ritual is to stand outside and sing, dance and listen – just as I’m doing right now. She told me that I get stressed trying to come up with rituals when it is really so easy. Rituals just happen but only when I am open and not filling every moment with something to do to distract myself from just BEING. She tells me to never let my desire to plan get me so burned out that I forget that all I need to do to connect to her is simply walk outside and look up. I feel like I’ve “known” this for awhile now, but only now is the wisdom of this entering my heart. The past six months have been so quiet – eerily quiet – and I was fighting it hard. It felt strange to have such stillness within me and I fought and fought and then gave up. And then I “got it”. I heard Her voice within me again :
Be present in EVERY moment and tomorrow will never come.
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21st Feb 2008
Okay, so before I get into the recent events and synchronicities surrounding the total lunar eclipse that occurred last night, let me summarize a bit what’s been going on since the last time I wrote. Things at Ahahra are going extremely well, we are building gradually and the people who come are amazed and in awe that the place came together so quickly. I’m feeling more comfortable with my healing work than I ever have before – and it feels like the more I work with people in that space, the more confident and at ease I get. I feel like I am finally coming into myself and have a community of support and love around me as I discover who I really am and what I can really do. I am so grateful to have all of these wonderful people in my life, and feel so blessed to be a part of what we are doing together.
With that said, the last six months have been rough for me. If you’ve read my previous blogs, you’ll know that I experienced a life changing event last September. A spiritual initiation, part of my ascension process. The effects of which I am still dealing with now. I feel like I was on a certain path before this occurred and then suddenly, without warning, the ground just dropped out from underneath me. Suddenly I had nothing to stand on and felt completely and totally lost. But, I had to turn around really fast and get right back on my feet. We had been planning a trip to Disneyland and I didn’t want to disappoint the kids. I was “out of it” for about 8 days and within 3 days of starting to come back, we were on a weeklong family road trip. AND on top of that, I had just started to get going with creating the healing center and I didn’t want to miss the opportunity to be a part of that. So, I moved through my experience very quickly and then resumed “normal” life as much as I could. Yet, deep down, I was still dealing with the effects. And of course, it didn’t help that soon after it started coming into Winter (a challenging time for me anyway). That whole time was just a blur to me. One minute it’s summer and the sun is out, I’m feeling good and ready to take on the world and then everything comes crashing down, I’m losing chunks of time as a week goes by in the blink of an eye, and then just as I’m starting to pick up the pieces and scramble back to my feet – it’s cold and dark and dreary and I’m in shock at how fast things changed.
With the exception of the joy I felt immediately after our first Open House, since September I have generally felt numb and incredibly empty, with no passion, no spark, no desire, and no joy (that’s been the most devastating). At one point recently, I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed – really laughed, from my gut. I’ve just been kind of going through my life quietly on autopilot. One of the most noticeable changes that came from my experience is I no longer feel like I ‘know” anything. All the things I convinced myself that I know – in all honesty, I don’t. I feel, I sense, I intuit – but I don’t know. And it’s okay that I don’t know. And that’s been an adjustment for Keith because he is used to me telling him how things are going to be and me being so sure of myself that he puts all his faith in me and together we act on my instincts.
So, with that gone and me feeling so lost, he started to feel lost, too. We’ve been moving through a lot of fear. Keith went through a serious bout of depression during October and November, while I was busying myself with getting Ahahra up and running. It was good for me to have a distraction, but it was rough to come home and see him going through this everyday. It was especially rough because I’ve been there, too – and I know what it’s like to be in that pit of despair with seemingly no way to pull yourself out of it. I went back and forth – from trying to cheer him up and make things better to realizing that there was really nothing I could do – it was a process he had to go through and I just needed to give him time and space. This was extremely hard because it seemed like right as things started moving forward for me (with Ahahra), things at home got worse and worse.
And then, suddenly, everything shifted. I’m still not sure if it was the Shamballa attunements I gave him or just because it was the New Year, or what – but a very noticeable shift occurred and he seemed to change almost overnight. He said he just finally realized that worrying gets him nowhere. He knew this in his mind, but it took awhile for this knowing to enter his heart. So, things at home are now better than ever, we are working together again and bouncing ideas and energy off each other. Keith has gotten very focused on getting himself healthy and has been working out and he started Weight Watchers online. He’s lost 10 lbs in 2 months and is motivated to keep going.
I’ve been supporting him as much as I can, although he is doing so well on his own, he doesn’t seem to need much from me in that area. He’s been supporting and helping me a lot, too. Once again, I have found myself backtracking into my old ways – overscheduling myself and leaving no breathing room for spontaneity or flexibility. Back in September, when I started going through my episode, Keith took a look in my dayplanner to see if he could figure out if something recent had set me off. He said he couldn’t believe all the stuff that was in there and said it was no wonder I had overloaded. He made me promise that I would slow down more and I said I would. But then I jumped right back up and was trying to push to get things done again. I’m starting to have physical issues to show for this now. My left foot/ankle has been swelling and in pain for no apparent reason and since the left side is the feminine aspect, the message seems to be that I’m not taking care of my feminine self – that I’m pushing too hard and not allowing enough. It’s been frustrating, but I’ve been trying to change that. Keith is helping me. He made me once again take all the “stuff” out of my dayplanner (everything except for actual appointments) and he is helping me prioritize the things I feel I NEED to do into what are legitimate needs and what are not. Already I’ve noticed changes in how I feel and the joy is returning. It feels so wonderful to wake up in the morning and be able to ask myself “what do I feel like doing today” rather than “look at all this stuff I have to do today”. Although, it has been very hard for me to keep from filling it back up with tons of stuff. I have been a do-er for so long that it’s been a real challenge to learn how to just be. I seem to have a deathly fear of laziness and/or boredom. But, I am beginning to truly understand and appreciate the benefits of slowing down. I have been feeling disconnected from my inner voice for months now and it has been causing me severe emotional distress. But as I’ve slowed down more and more, and have LET GO, I’ve been feeling Her again and the syncronicities that show me I’m on the right path are showing up in my life again.
Which leads me to what happened this week, leading up to the total lunar eclipse last night :
Starting back in December, Keith started applying for jobs. It was looking like we were going to run out of money in January, and we were starting to panic a bit. But it didn’t seem to matter how many he sent out, he wasn’t getting calls. We started to figure that him going back to work must not be the right thing for us to do, so we started to re-focus our energy on the other opportunities and projects we’ve been working on. So, it was a surprise to us when he got a call from a recruitment agency on Monday. They said there was a potential job for him at a big corporation, paying close to what he used to make before he got laid off. He agreed to an interview, but then when he got off the phone, he looked at me and I just knew that he really didn’t want to take this job. I had mixed feelings about it. It would be nice not to have to think about money again, but at the same time, I have loved having him home for the last year and we’ve settled into a new lifestyle together that feels really good, and RIGHT for us. There are a hundred reasons for him NOT to get an 8-5 job and only one reason to get one : money. And we had made the decision long ago that neither one of us wanted to work for someone else just for money – it had to be something that we truly felt good about doing, and that felt right on the soul level. This definitely did not. Yet, we were conflicted. The temptation of a steady paycheck is pretty powerful when you don’t know where the money to pay next month’s bills is coming from.
So, we went to Ahahra that night and did some tarot readings together. Prompted by the readings, we ended up having this very powerful energy moving discussion about the direction we want to move in. We’ve talked about this many times before, but for some reason, this time it was different. We could feel something move as we spoke. It felt to me as if the Universe was sitting there beside us, waiting for us to make a decision so it could put our plan into action. Never before had I felt this that strongly as I did that night.
We talked about how much fun we’ve been having doing stuff together around the house. Dancing around, playing with the kids, making dinner together, doing dishes together, it’s so simple but it’s what we want. Lately, we’ve been getting very crafty and building stuff together. I designed an altar/shelf I wanted for my sacred space and he helped me build it. I’ve been more artistic and creative than ever before. I’ve had to get creative – if I want something and can’t afford it, now I either figure out how to make it myself or I find something at a thrift shop or on Craigslist and spruce it up. I’m doing creative projects I never would have attempted before – before I would have told myself that it was too hard, or I didn’t know how to do it, but now I’m just playing with all kinds of new things, having fun, and making some beautiful sacred objects that are infused with my energy.
There is obviously some Divine influence in our lives, because we keep getting provided for some how. It’s been a year and we are still going strong. We thought the money was going to run out at the end of December and then fate stepped in and the money was there for January and February. We are on the edge now, in that constant state of letting go and trusting. We have learned so much this last year. We cut $1000 worth of expenses easily, we hardly miss the things that money used to go on.
By the end of the conversation, we decided that even though we knew that he didn’t want to take the job, he would go to the interview and see what feeling he got from it. Then if they offered it to him, we would deal with that when/if it happened. We also decided that it was time for both of us to re-focus our energies in the direction we want to be moving in together. I realized that my habit of overscheduling has been hindering us because it leaves no room for us to bring our energies together. And his habit of relying on me to initiate things has been hindering us because it puts too much pressure on me to be the “take charge” person and he needs to step up more in that area.
The next day (Tuesday), Keith went out and got a haircut in preparation for the interview (which was scheduled for the next day – Wed). So I was alone in the house. I have a shamanic drumming CD that I practice journeying to, so I did that for 30 minutes and then took a walk outside around the yard. I went and stood up against the Mimosa and when I looked down I noticed two bunches of bluebells coming up right in the same spot where the autumn crocuses were the night me and Shannon buried the kitten. That was the first synchronicity. Then I went back into the house and sat at my computer. I was thinking about the eclipse and then had the idea that I wanted to put together a compilation of songs to listen to outside as I watched it. I started going through my music collection, choosing songs, and suddenly had a sense of déjà-vu. The collage that I was working on in the garage that day back in September, is now hanging right over my computer in my office. So, as I was listening to music and looking at the collage, I was reminded of that day. And I realized that this was the first day since then that I had been all alone in the house. (synchronicity two). It felt like all of these little things were adding up in such a way that it felt I was partially re-enacting the events of September, just this time with full consciousness of what was going on.
The third synchronicity, and this is just freaky – is when Keith told me that the day before a meteorite had fallen through the sky and landed somewhere in Washington. It was on the news and when I watched the video of it, I was reminded of the ball of light I saw shoot across the sky the night I was driving around in an altered state. I was standing on the corner, looking towards the north when I saw it. Yet, back then, there was no mention of this on the news – and I remember at the time having the strangest feeling that I was literally in the future, that I had fallen through a crack in time or something. And now here it was happening for real, just as I had seen it.
The fourth synchronicity of that day doesn’t have anything to do with what happened in September, it’s just cool because it shows me that I’m still having prophetic dreams. One of the decisions Keith and I made the night we did the tarot reading was that he and I would start checking Craigslist regularly for part time jobs and projects we could do to pay the bills. So, on Tuesday, I checked and found an ad looking for a massage therapist to sub-lease space doing chair massages at the airport. At the time, I just thought that it would be a good way to meet more people and expand my clientele. It wasn’t until later that night that the full significance of it hit me. Over the last few weeks, I’ve had several dreams about being at the airport. At the time, I figured it was probably symbolic of the spiritual movement I’ve been going through because that is generally what it means. But as I realized the connection, I got really excited at the thought that my Spirit is sending me these messages in my dreams, like little bread crumbs for me to follow. I also decided to pay a visit to my massage school to sign up as a massage evaluator and tutor and also get on their directory. As I was doing this, Keith came in and saw how excited I was getting with all of these new avenues to explore and he pointed out that all of this happened because he got that call about the interview. We realized that the prospect of the interview was just there to get us moving in another direction. And it worked. We decided he didn’t need to go to the interview after all. It had served it’s purpose.
To be continued….
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18th Dec 2007
Images of my latest painting has been added to the Gallery. http://www.dreamcatcher.net/gallery/
It all started with the various art I created for Ahahra and now a door has been opened and I’m getting lots of new inspiration, including clear visions of a new way of painting that is totally me and I’m really really excited.
More to come…
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16th Dec 2007
December 15th – opening day at Ahahra. I had been sick with the flu and a cold for the week and a half leading up to our big day. As usual, when I’m about to take a huge step, some part of me gets terrified and holds back. I don’t get upset about this anymore, it’s just a part of the process. I chose to view this as a cleansing, a preparation. I took good care of myself, resting, drinking lots of fluids, giving myself Reiki treatments in bed every day. And by Friday night, I felt like I was “back” from the fog of sickness and truly ready for the next day.
We all arrived early to set up : Marcia, Cortney, Niki, and Heather (Cortney’s friend who came up from California the night before our opening, bought all the food, AND prepared it all for us – freaking amazing! I absolutely love her!). The atmosphere was excitedly calm. Cort had given me some Bach flower remedies to help with nervous tension and it was well appreciated – although by that time, whatever nervousness I was feeling was pretty much gone. (I took some anyway – just in case)
This place is home. Every inch of it is infused with love – from the handmade redwood table my Grandpa made for us in the reception room, to the couches in our temple room that Marcia and Seth carried up the stairs and vowed never to move ever ever again. lol In the last month and a half, we’ve spent so much of our time, energy (and money – or to be exact – credit!) in this place, being thrifty where we needed to (gotta love Craiglist) and splurging where it felt appropriate (let’s just say it’s the first time in my life I’ve spent $300 on a piece of art). It was all worth it to see it full of beautiful, loving people hanging out, enjoying good company and conversation, and just BEING in a sacred space with friends. It was beyond fantastic.
But let me back up a bit – to the morning, before the doors opened. I was surprised early in the day by a delivery of a beautiful plant that was sent by my wonderfully loving and wise friend, teacher, and clan sister, Christine from Colorado. We had spoken on the phone recently and she’d told me how excited she was about this, but I in no way expected this surprise and it really just set my whole day off on a great foot.
When people started arriving, I felt calm, at ease. Usually, I’m a bit more of a “behind the scenes” person and I generally am the most quiet of the three of us (or at least that’s what I’ve led myself to believe thus far). I sat and had a long wonderful conversation with a man from Chad (looooved the accent!) and then gave him a Reiki treatment. After that, time just went by so fast. At one point, I think I was in my room giving massages back to back for 3 hours straight. Every time I would come out of my room, the place was packed. There was such a sense of community. People were just hanging out, eating and drinking, talking.
And my girls showed up!! My loony Lunas. Cort said when they arrived I lit up. I was so happy to have them there, sharing in this with me. This event is more than a big step for me, it’s also coming full circle on a painful experience that happened about 4 years ago or so.
(doo doo loo, doo doo loo, flashback time, Wayne’s world style……doo doo loo)
It was around this time of year, Solstice, and a friend of mine knew someone who was hosting a holiday wellness fair in his house. We were invited. I was still in massage school, so I couldn’t legally offer massage, and I wasn’t quite confident enough about Reiki back then to feel comfortable presenting myself as a master, healer or whatever. But, my friend wanted me to be involved, and still in my “people pleasing” phase, I didn’t want to let her down. So I kept my doubts to myself, even though they were literally eating away inside me. I was actually dreading the day, crying every night, my heart pounding with fear just thinking about it. So, the night before, I finally broke down and told her, “I can’t do it. I’m not ready for this. I’ll come to support you, but I can’t be involved beyond that.” and she basically said “Don’t be a chicken shit” and so I betrayed myself to please her. I knew I wasn’t ready. The day came and I was miserable. Sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Feeling like I totally didn’t belong there. Feeling no connection to any of these people whatsoever. At one point, my Mom and sister showed up because I invited them. But right as they were walking in the door, I was pulled away to do a Reiki treatment upstairs, so I could only wave at them as I was going by. I lit up when they came in the door then, too. But by the time I came back downstairs, they had already left. I felt myself totally deflated. I went outside and took a walk around the block and just sat on the curb in silence, knowing without a doubt that this was not where I wanted to be. I wanted to be with my family – where I belong, where they know me and love me, and understand me – where I feel like I don’t have to pretend to be something I don’t feel I am. I sat there for awhile and then pulled myself together, put on the happy mask as best I could, and went back inside to get through the rest of the day. After it was over, I dropped my friend off at her house. She was ecstatic, saying how wonderful the night was and asking me if I felt it too. All I could do was half-heartedly smile and I started to cry. She didn’t ask me to explain and I didn’t offer. I knew this was the beginning of some major changes and I knew she and I were drifting apart. It was a short lived, extremely intense friendship that served many purposes for both of us, but it was almost time to move on. I hugged her, knowing this, and then drove home, where I promptly curled up in my covers in the fetal position and cried for 2 days. Later, when I talked to my Mom and my sister about why they didn’t wait for me to come back downstairs, they said they couldn’t stand the energy in the place. It was too snooty, the people were too condescending, “holier than thou” types and they were right. I was trying to be like them and failing miserably. It was a huge wake up call for me and completely changed my path – from one of trying to fit into a mold of what I thought it meant to be a spiritual healer/teacher to one of just learning how to be me and love every bit of her.
So, 4 years later, after removing myself completely from my previous spiritual community, and immersing myself completely in the comforts and love of those nearest and dearest to me, I had come full circle. Sharing my new family with my old family and knowing that now they are one and the same. Whole. Complete. No more separation. No more pretending to be one thing for one group and another for others. Just me, at all times. And being loved for it. F-ing phenomenal, I tell you….
Hmmm…okay, back to the night of the opening….like I said, the time went by so fast. I met so many amazing people and everyone just loved the place….I mean LOVED it…as in they wanted to live there. One of Marcia’s Indigo kids was there and she was loving it. She was totally freaking awesome – beautiful, smart, wise, amazing writer, and only 17. I remember thinking “God, I wish there would have been a place like this when I was her age”. I think we all kind of felt like big sisters to her and told her she is of course welcome to come by and hang out with any of us anytime.
By the end of the night, I had a bit of a headache so I laid down in the temple tent while Niki and Heather gave me some Reiki love. For those of you who’ve read my previous blogs, you will remember – I love Niki. She is so warm, so loving, with this comforting energy that just wraps you up. I swear, no matter what was going on, if Niki was there, I would feel safe. And Heather, as mentioned before, is amazing. To me, she is like the beautiful, cool girl in school that I thought I could never be cool enough to stand next to, but she is totally real and approachable and kind, sweet, goofy, and fun. In short…love, love, love her!
After the official closing time, we had our afterparty. We whipped out the cheesy plastic flutes and cheap champagne and toasted to our success. (Marcia toasted that in 5 years we would be able to use real glasses and good champagne!) Although individually, we had each made money with donations, the communal donation box in the reception room had one solitary dollar in it (which Heather put there) so we decided we are going to take it and frame it as our first official dollar that we, as a group, have earned. Right alongside the picture of us all liquored up and happy after a long day’s work. We had a great time, laughing and joking. I snapped several pictures and almost all of them have colorful orbs dancing around. In one of them there is actually the outline of a man standing behind Marcia. There are many many spirit beings hanging out at our place. They seem very happy that we’re there now. I myself, am not used to adult parties much anymore LOL so I left a bit early (10PM!) to go home, take a shower, and listen to music while I journalled and doodled. I had a vision of a new painting I want to work on.
Before that, though, on the way home, we stopped off at Plaid Pantry. The kid at the register, we’ve seen him dozens of times but tonight he asked us about the sign on the car (I have a vinyl sign advertising my business on the back of our car) so I gave him a business card and he said he’s stop in sometime and hang out. It just goes to show me once again, that when I’m in the right energy, everything just comes to me – I don’t have to go out of my way at all. Just be in the energy.
In the car, Duncan called on my cell phone because him and Shannon were having some argument about the TV. Usually when I’m tired or just lazy, I will give him my usual “geez, just figure it out and stop fighting” response, but when I’m in that energy, I am more present. I was more present with him. I listened fully to what he was saying, waited for him to finish (which takes a hell of a lot of patience!) and then really communicated to him how he could truly help to resolve his issues with Shannon, not just that one instance, but in general. He listened and as we were about to hang up, he said “I love you Mom”. He says that often, but something in his voice this time sounded so sincere and sweet and I knew he was truly appreciative of me being fully present with him rather than just passing by and half listening on my way to the other things I “have to do” in my “busy” day. I’m learning…..how to be purposefully active, without being too “busy” to fully interact with my life as it presents itself to me in this moment. I’m learning, that’s all I can say. Although I will say, that I feel something fundamental has recently changed. Fundamental in that I no longer feel I have to know the answers. I feel very definitely that I don’t know anything anymore, and that is exactly perfect. I am a student of the Divine, in all its forms, and I empty myself of all that I think I know, all that I think I understand, so that I can see with new eyes, all that is truly here. It’s hard and so easy at the same time. Silly, huh?
One more synchronicity to share before I sign off (for now). When I got home, I checked my email and there was a message from the editor of SageWoman magazine. I had emailed her the day before asking her if I could get my ad in the Spring/March issue of the magazine. (it only comes out 4 times a year, so the deadline for that issue is end of Dec.) But when she emailed me back, she said she is running late on getting the Winter issue printed, so if I can send her my ad by Monday, she will just be able to get it into the issue that comes out in January. Holy crap! How freaking perfect is that timing?? I’m anticipating a huge influx of new interest in my business from this ad because the magazine is targeted at exactly the kind of people I’m aiming to draw in – women interested in their spiritual growth and in finding community. So now instead of having to wait three months for that influx, it will be literally right around the corner, right when I need it the most.
I saw the truth of this yesterday, and it is very very clear. This is just the beginning. What we’ve created, allowed….has all been Divinely guided, and we are in exactly the right place, at exactly the right time, doing exactly what we need to be doing. And it is nothing I could have ever thought up. Six months ago I was still practicing massage out of my home office, kinda sorta advertising when I felt courageous enough to do it. But, even with those baby steps I took, the Divine answered me, and Marcia found me, knocked on my door, asked me to come out of my shell, and here I am.
F-ing amazing, is it not?
In love,
Amy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Belonging
by Kendall Payne
When you’ve been wounded,
Deeply wounded by a friend,
You wonder when if ever you will trust again
When you’ve been broken,
Deeply broken by a man
You wonder when if ever you will love again
You wonder when if ever you will love again
Truth be told, I’m not quite sure when things went right
But the darkest tunnel always has a distant light
And I’ve arrived, yes I’ve arrived, and right on time
You were there to greet me, arms stretched open wide
You were there to meet me, on the other side
Now I believe in something
It’s been a long time coming
It may not mean that much to you
But it means all the world to me
I’m belonging somewhere
It took me time to get here
And now that I’ve become apart of you I never want to leave
When you’ve been hurting, deeply hurting all alone
You wonder when if ever you will find a home
We cannot time our wounds to heal on human clocks
You give space to grieve a devastating loss
You give me space to breathe despite all of my flaws
Now I believe in something
It’s been a long time coming
It may not mean that much to you
But it means all the world to me
I’m belonging somewhere
It took me time to get here
And now that I’ve become apart of you I never want to leave
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14th Dec 2007
My new Wellness Center : AHAHRA is having it’s GRAND OPENING tomorrow (Dec. 15th) from 11AM - 8PM. My awesome business partners and I will be there ready to show off our phenomenal new space. It’s hard to believe that we only got the keys Nov. 1st and since then it’s been painted, decorated, and totally re-created. We are feeling very supported right now as things continue to fall into place. Here are some pictures of our amazing new Center :
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18th Nov 2007
One of the recurring themes of my thoughts and visions during my experience was of “dismemberment”. And this seems significant, especially in light of the research I’ve done since then about Shamanism and the initiatory experience. Apparently, this is a common theme in shamanic initiations, symbolizing how the shaman is literally taken apart, piece by piece, and then has to be put back together again, emerging as a new being. This new being has parts of the old, but is truly a new being, put together in a completely different way. As I notice how differently my brain seems to work nowadays, this feels to me to be a very accurate description of the results of this “dismemberment”.
During my experience, I kept having a “memory” of an event that is not an actual event from this current lifetime of mine. Although, it was a bit confusing because the people in the memory WERE people I had known or had been exposed to in some way, which made things a bit confusing. But the memory itself, it was not a literal event, I felt - it was a symbol, a metaphor for what was happening to me on a spiritual level.
In the vision/memory, I am in a car with a close group of friends - a female and two males. We are driving at night, along a narrow winding road, through a dark forest. I feel safe with them. I trust them, they are my friends, we are intimate with each other, the four of us. I have no reason to be afraid. We are on an adventure together and I am loved by them. But then the scene changes. I am outside, on the cold ground, in the woods. The female is laying beside me whispering in my ear to not be afraid. The males are standing above me. One of them has a shovel in his hand. Now I’m afraid. I have the knowing that I have just been raped and now they are going to beat me to death and kill me. And yet, I feel their love for me. They are my friends, my lovers even. And whatever they are doing, they are doing it out of love, for my own good.
I am fully aware of everything going on as they cut me to pieces. They are smiling down at me as they hack off my arms and legs. The female is still laying beside me in the dirt, whispering to me like a lullaby, almost like she is trying to distract me from the pain. It’s like her voice has the power to take me to another place in my mind, where I am still safe and comfortable - so this uncomfortable process can be made just a bit easier for me. Soon, I am following the sound of her voice with my heart and the sights, sounds, and smells of where I’m at fade into the background and disappear completely. I’m in her arms and all is well. I have an expanded awareness suddenly - no longer in pain in that body crumpled on the ground - but my awareness of the situation returns. From a distance, I see the men mutilate my body, cutting it up and scattering the pieces, and then leaving me there to die. I see myself lying there and I can do nothing about it. I have a sense that I’m not dead, that I will be okay, but for now, I just need to rest myself and not worry about how to fix this. I turn again to the softness of my dream world, where I am an innocent, untouched by the harsh realities of this world.
When I began to wake up, to “come back”, I literally felt like I was a different person, like I had been taken apart and then put back together again. The first time I talked to Marcia after my experience, she told me that I sounded different. Like I was still me, but an “upgraded version” of me, Amy 2.0, still me, but without the fear. That one piece of my experience, the loss of fear, has shown itself to be a lasting change. I’m moving forward with what I want to do, what I’ve been wanting to do for so long, and I’m doing it without being shackled by the fears of “not being good enough”. I know now that I am “good enough” - yes there is still room for growth and much much more to learn, but I’m walking in those shoes now - the ones that I have been eyeballing for some time now and doubting I could fill. They are my shoes and I’m the only one who CAN fill them, so I might as well get on it. And I’ve got an amazing support network around me. So for now I will “just keep swimming, just keep swimming” ~ Dory, the fish 
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